“Half-Wit Half” Marathon
13.1 Mile Trail Run, Reading, PA
Sunday, August 17, 2008 * 9:00 AM * No Entry Limit!
52 times in 2008, large groups of not very bright people will come together to compete with one another. The competitors will pay large sums of money to enter, even though just about every one of them has little chance of winning and they will “bore the heck” out of all of those around them with their claims of prowess and achievement leading up to these events. Afterwards, most of these slugs will sulk back home with their tails between their legs, still convinced that they had a chance of achieving true greatness despite a CLEAR indication that, going in, they must have been delirious from a dangerous “mixing” of semi-illegal drugs, out of control egos and the massive consumption of refined sugar products. 51 of these “gatherings of the dim” fall into a single descriptive category known as “the Presidential Primaries” (no, we did not annex Manitoba as the 51st state when you were asleep; Washington DC has one too). The 52nd event of unfulfilled dreams and moronic behavior is known as the “Half Wit Half” Marathon Trail Run; a 13.1M rustic trail run that attracts daredevils, retired Elvis impersonators, non-working Kids Party Clowns, 1 or 2 paparazzi and a whole buncha weekend athletes that are convinced that doing something that is “not too good” for their health is, somehow, “good” for what little mind they have!!! The Half Wit is a tuff but doable race for those that have more guts than brains and it is to “serious athletic endeavor” what Rap Music Artists are to the “responsible use of handguns for maintaining manageable levels of wildlife”. The HWH is Pretzel City Sport’s second greatest annual challenge; right behind reading the legal waiver printed on most of its apps in size 4 font without the use of the Hubbell telescope. The Half Wit is a nightmare of serious climbs, loose rock descents, trees and runners laying across the trails, flying insects and animals with pepper spray, urban relics that are somehow standing despite the city around them falling apart, poor footing and even poorer spellers, volunteers with “agendas” and a whole gaggle of folks running with you that still have serious aspirations of someday being a “StarFleet Commander!” Only a fool would hold this event and he is encouraged to do so each year by the 400-600 other fools from 8-12 states that continue to “come back” like a fish chimichanga eaten right before bedtime. These underachievers embrace such race oddities as the “128 Steps from Hell”, the unique aide stations that sooth a parched pallet, the shirt that reflects that the entry should never be allowed to operate heavy machinery even before taking certain cold medicines and the knowledge of knowing that despite doing 6-10 stupid things per mile during the event, they will STILL probably not be the dumbest person there. The Half Wit Half! A running adventure for those that, coming out of high school. even the Armed Services rejected and are damn proud of it!! LEGAL-EASE: YOU ALONE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR HEALTH & WELFARE WHILE RACING THE HWH. Dr Martin Luther King once nobly said “I have a dream”. HWH finishers have dreams too but they are not the kind that make you look forward to falling asleep! Despite that, it is “probable” that you won’t get lost or dinged during this race; very few do. If you do, however, it is your responsibility to find your way back or drag your mangled body to a place where we can conveniently retrieve you via “fossil fuel” means. We do not carry you out nor look for you; we reserve our in-race support to “missing you a lot!” Our on-site ambulance feels the same way, except that, as non-runners, they don’t miss you near as bad. As such, we do not allow runners under 18 to do this event. Others discouraged from entering are anyone that knows that Penn, Columbia and Brown are more than just a writing implement, a space shuttle & a color. Others that should stay home are “terminally oversensitive” folks that think that every subsection of people, including Incas, Druids and Metrosexuals, have a right to not have their “leg pulled’ by semi-humorous trailside signs; on the other hand, former owners of any American Motors vehicle (Pacers, Gremlins, etc.), past “Dollywood” visitors and any member of the Jelly of the Month Club are welcome with open arms, legs and sores!
IF that description is NOT an inspiration to run this damn race…then you are dead to me.
