Toots and Sally Ride Again

We were discussing all of the things that our pets do/could do/ought to get paid to do, so as I was running I came up with some services that our pets offer to us. We would also like to extend this offer to others in our community.

1. Kitty Nap Aid: All that is required for this service is that you summon Lily (by calling her name from anywhere in the house) and that you be in a prone or semi-prone position. It also helps if you are in a patch of sun. She will help you sleep and purr contentedly simply because she LOVES THE NAP. Haggis and Guinness are not included in this offer. Believe me, you don’t want them to be.

2. Exercise: This would be the realm of Guinness. No matter what kind of day you are having, week you are having, month you are having, life you are having, you are required BY LAW to exercise the dog. If you do not, YOU will suffer. Your very soul will leave your body willingly, just to get away from the annoying-ness of Dawg. Get your ass outside and get moving, you lazy m’er f’er!!!

3. Mister, Mister: If you would very simply just like to enjoy pure physical beauty without ever actually having to commit to it/touch it/be involved with it, this is the option for you. Haggis is one of the most beautiful cats we have ever seen, but he will only interact when HE wants to, when he wants Greenies (he’s such a slut), or when he feels a mommy-need. Haggis dry nurses, which means that he was separated too early from his mother and will suck on your cotton (but ONLY COTTON!!!) t-shirt or shorts, replicating nursing on his mama cat and will knead (make bread) on your belly. It’s so, so sweet, but very rare. Haggis wants to be admired. From a decent and safe distance. Like art. If he needs you, he’ll come find you. That’s all he has time to do in his oh-so-busy day.

4. Mental well-being: In spite of kitty coldness and doggy neediness, all three of our animals will provide you with sanity and emotional health. They will love you no matter what you do, say, or insinuate. This is mostly related to the fact that you are the being that provides the kibble, but frankly, as humans, does that matter? Our egos can overlook the falseness/fragility of the relationship. Okay, the dog really, really, really will love you. The cats will eat your liver as soon as you are dead. Either way, you get to come home to The Fuzz. The Furry Mafia. The Original Love Experience. They are ALL happy to see you every time you come home. Even if the cats don’t come to greet you, they look up from their napping spots to happily meow or just let their eyes glow in your general direction. It’s sweet. No, really.

5. Balance: You will always be required to have balance in your life/mental state/emotions. The dog will not do anything you ask if you do not command her respect. If you are unbalanced, the pets are unbalanced and then they take over. Who wants furry mayhem? Keep your life in check. For The Fuzz.

6. Travel: The love you receive upon your return from any period away from The Fuzz will make you want to take vacations, just so that you can experience the “You’ve come back for me!!!!” moment when you walk in the door. Once again, with the cats, this is not necessarily so, but you hold the keys to the kingdom and the kibble, as it were, so either way they are glad you are home. Besides, who would Lily nap with if you left forever?

7. Warmth: Guinness will promise to tuck you in every night and warm your side of the bed in preparation for your arrival. Once actually in bed, the Nap Aid applies, and Lily (she’s got short hair…) will always seek out the spot in the house that provides the most heat. That would be you. She will sleep on your pillow at the top of your head, on top of the covers nestled lovingly into your curves, or under the covers curled oh-so-nicely into the coldest spot on your body. Who needs heat when you have that? Haggis is not really into this service, but will stay in one spot if you happen to end up in the spare room/kitty lounge when he is sleeping there. Oh, and Guinness is only there to tuck you in and warm up your spot. She abandons ship as soon as the light is turned out.

8. Security: Guinness loves. That is what she does. Up close, personal, and out loud. However, if there is someone who REALLY should not be there, she will let you know. She will give an initial “woof,” kind of under her breath, and maybe another one, but then she gets serious and sounds like she’s about to rip the head off the first person that comes through the door. You will NEVER have to worry about not being protected. Shoot, even Haggis growls and runs away when strangers come around. I gotta say, though, once you bond with Guinness, you will always be safe. She will never let any harm come to you. She’s even sweet enough to check on your emotional security and will lick away you tears when you hurt badly enough. She’s just cool like that.

There is probably more. In fact, I am sure there is more. What kind of price could we charge for these services? I wonder. I think we could somehow become rich if we just knew how to advertise better. We realize that we are super attached to our animals, but we also think it’s about damn time they started paying for the own damn food. If any of you are ever in our area and need any of the Fuzz Services, please let us know. We’ll barter.

I’m going now. I have a lap that I need to prepare for Lily, and Guinness needs me to scratch behind her ears.