Thank you for the beautiful post, Banana. I get it, I just have a lot of STUFF to reconcile that has never been reconciled. I will be AWOL/incognito/gone/seeking therapy for a while. There is a lot of stuff that you all do not know that has defined who I am. Actually, it made it impossible to escape. I thought I had gotten away and that all that stuff was being worked through and that I was on the road to health. I am sorry to be sketchy, I am sorry I have been hurtful, but I cannot be any more specific right now because I have a lot to work through and I have a lot to understand before I can be even remotely close to sane. I am sorry for the pain I have caused, but believe me, there is a wealth of pain that has never been addressed that is here that needs to be resolved. Sorry for the vagueness. I want us all to be well. Me, especially. I’m tired of not feeling well. I’m tired of knowing that I am a bad person. I am tired of wishing I were dead. I have spent the greater part of my life wishing that I were dead without having the courage to kill myself. So, I am going to get help. I want to live, but I don’t know how. I’ll post again when I have some ground under my feet.
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Hang in there, Sally…still here for you.
Not having the courage to kill yourself means you have the courage to live. And that’s a pretty amazing thing! You are not a bad person. Have you ever been to a phychiatrist/counselor? I’ve been to two different ones and had a great experience each time. I went to the ones provided by the colleges I went to–they usually provide ten sessions for free. I was a little aprehensive about going to see one because I thought they were only for crazy people, and then I realized, “Oh my god! I AM crazy!” j/k But really, the counseling helped me through some rough spots and I learned a lot about myself. Plus you have the Toots and Sally crew behind you too!
“Stop the world. I want to get off.” –Anthony Newly
“When you’re drowning, you don’t say, ‘I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me.’ You scream.”
–John Lennon
I am reading, and this will be the last response for awhile. I have been in therapy, counseling, etc. I’ve sought help. Right now, I am seeking myself and Lumpy and The Fuzz. Death is not what it’s cracked up to be and the little bit of value I thought my life merited is more than I thought. I try to understand my self-worth, but sometimes, busting my hump does not equal human value. Sometimes, just being tired and used is simply just what it is, and the people who have the power to make it not what it is do not know how to do so. You simply must heal yourself.
I have some tools left me by my first therapist, and some others left by my second therapist, and I’m thinking a lot and running a little, and taking care to be careful. It’s all equal to health in the end. It has to, because there are girls out there who need to know that they mean something. They mean something to me and Lumpy and you all here at Toots and Sally. This is not self promotion, but if you all could write any reasons why any girls aged 8-12 should start running, or simply, be healthy, that would be great. I need to start recruiting girls for the She Runs spring program. BESIDES, I need to hear that what I believe in is not for nothing. I need to know that you understand that though I may have personal issues, that you still understand that I hear girls and I know that they are underrepresented and undervalued. Just write something. P.S. - If Morgan Freeman could somehow narrate my life, I want him to be the one to do so. Even if I’m white.
wow here too, random check of toots and sally led me here. sally, sucks that you are going through so much “junk”…wish i could share my peace with you. i just will always thank GOd for never letting go of me even when i was at my lowest. as i told banana, i know we might have very different views, but i will totally and faithfully pray for you and your healing all around. you are an inspiration and i know you will truly recongize that soon. i also pray you reach a place of peace and reconciliation, i know you soon will.
peace out!
p.s…..this is a record for me…it took a banana and a sally